Burning the candle at both ends

First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

So I guess I've been burning the candle at both ends. What can I say, I'm such a hopeless night owl, and I've always been this way. However, it's probably gotten worse since I became a mother. I've always had a hard time forcing myself to knock off earlier than 11:00pm, unless I'm sick. And it's worse if I accidentally fall asleep early - because when I later wake up, I just feel deprived, as if I "lost" precious alone time. And that's truly what it is for me, time for myself, to decompress and unwind from my day, after I've eaten dinner (that B awesomely cooks for me!), perhaps put in a load or 2 of laundry, or whatever else. My time to just chill, finally, when it's quiet and still. Before I had Ace, I might have taken that time to knit for 4-6 hours straight (seriously!), or watch a movie or 2, staying up until midnight, 1:00 or 2:00am, depending on the night and how tired I was. I remember when I was in middle school, and I think it was a substitute teacher told us how she was going to watch a scary movie (it was near Halloween) that was on TV at like 3:00am, and I thought to myself how glorious that sounded! It might have been a little bit that she was a "grown-up", that she had the freedom to choose to do something like that without having an imposed bedtime, but also that it was long after dark, and a bit spooky, and seemed cozy and just delicious. I absolutely loved the idea.

Oh sure, I suppose I realize at some point this isn't sustainable, and eventually I do hit a wall. But until that point, I stubbornly rebel. It's not that I'm not tired - I'm exhausted - but I just simply get depressed at the idea that more sleep means less freedom for me. "Me time" during the wee hours is pretty much all I have right now - gone for now are all the enjoyable solo pastimes I used to take for granted, before I had a baby. I can't plan my evenings ahead of time, because I never know exactly what time Ace will fall asleep (or if he'll stay asleep), and I don't know what B's up for (or not). He has to get up so early in the morning that he's responsible, and usually goes to bed around 9-ish. I haven't even really figured out how I can knit during the evening/night, because we all live together in a studio condo, and when my boys do fall asleep they're right next to me. I don't have enough light to see properly, and I don't want to turn one on for fear of waking them. So I usually lie there, channel-surfing aimlessly (thank goodness for all the mindless, cheesy reality TV that exists these days), volume turned low as I can go yet still hear over B's snoring, and wind up feeling a tad guilty that I'm not doing something more productive and enriching with my time. It's a horrible, vicious cycle, that now when I'm actually laying it all out there doesn't sound so glorious or delicious after all - it sounds stupid of me, like I'm just not taking proper care of myself (sigh...).

And then there's Ben Stein, who went on CBS Sunday Morning recently, extolling the virtues and benefits of sleep, noting what a good "investment" it is, passing on the advice, "Never waste any time you could spend sleeping." Even quoting Macbeth: "Sleep knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care." (I've seen a few Shakespeare plays in my time, but hadn't heard that line; not completely sure what it means, but love the "knits" reference...) I get it. Yes, we're largely habitually sleep deprived (hello me!), and I'm sure all those studies are right about all the health benefits to getting more sleep. The truth is I would go for an afternoon nap if I could work that in (not likely) - I just don't want the pesky need for sleep infringing on my night owl tendencies! And if Mr. Ben Stein considers getting a mere 6 hours of sleep nightly "suicidal" - well, then I'm a downright crash-and-burn-kamikaze on my 4 or 5!

I'm not sure what the answer is... for now I, along with all the other hard-working mothers out there, try to be supermom and do it all. I work full-time (and am damn fortunate to be able to bring my baby to work with me, except for the day or 2 grandma watches him), stay up on household chores, take the very best care of Ace, be a good girlfriend, and TRY TRY TRY to work in those little snippets of time for myself. I'm sure things will get a little easier as Ace grows up, and daddy can take on more of a main role with his boy (hard to do while Ace is breastfeeding) - I foresee some days at the park playing catch, fishing trips, jam sessions in the future home music studio B will build... and when I'm not joining in, I will most definitely be logging some solo knitting sessions! But for now I have to be content in the dark with my occasional little glass of red, and a square or few of dark chocolate, gazing upon my slumbering boys, yawning and rubbing my bleary eyes until I finally relinquish the remote control, and resign myself to sleep - all sweet, self-investing 4 to 6 hours of you!!

If you also love staying up until the wee hours, here's to you - enjoy 'em! Salute, Prost! Skaal - and remember, f**k Ben Stein! Do what works for you! I'm doing my very best to...